scary gxrl

Hooptober 2024

October 31, 2024 / / 0 Comments

This was my first year attempting Hooptober. In some ways, I failed. I didn’t hit all of the targets, I tended to favor new movies over old, and I often veered away from the challenge in favor of recent releases. C’mon, you expected me to resist watching The Platform 2? The allure was too strong.

However, in many ways I succeeded. I tried something different, I watched a few movies I might never have considered without the challenge, and I watched 24 horror films in the lead up to Halloween. Compared to 10 in 2022 and 7 in 2023, I’d say that’s pretty damn good.

Now tonight I get to settle in for our annual viewing of Ernest Scared Stupid and feel satisfied with what I’ve accomplished. Truthfully, I’m excited for the chance to try again next year.

6 Countries (8/6)

  • USA: The Blackening, Pumpkinhead, We’re All Going to the World’s Fair, House on Haunted Hill, Hell House LLC, Killjoy, Thirteen Ghosts, The Final Destination, Children of the Corn, Killjoy 2 Deliverance from Evil, Warlock, Fright Night, Bloody Bloody Bible Camp, We Need to Do Something, VFW, It’s What’s Inside
  • South Korea: Gonjiam Haunted Asylum
  • Spain: Piggy, The Platform 2
  • Germany: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
  • Taiwan: The Sadness
  • Japan: One Cut of the Dead
  • Mexico: Huesera The Bone Woman
  • India: Game Over

8 Decades (6/8)

  • 1920s: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
  • 1950s: House on Haunted Hill
  • 1980s: Pumpkinhead, Children of the Corn, Warlock
  • 2000s: Killjoy, Thirteen Ghosts, The Final Destination, Killjoy 2 Deliverance from Evil
  • 2010s: Gonjiam Haunted Asylum, Hell House LLC, Fright Night, One Cut of the Dead, Game Over, Bloody Bloody Bible Camp, VFW
  • 2020s: The Blackening, We’re All Going to the World’s Fair, Piggy, The Platform 2, The Sadness, Huesera The Bone Woman, We Need to Do Something, It’s What’s Inside

Other Categories

  • ALL of the films from a horror franchise with at least 4 entries: Killjoy, Killjoy 2 Deliverance from Evil (2/5)
  • 1 film caused by/worsened by weather: We Need to Do Something
  • 1 film starring a Black woman: The Blackening
  • 3 films from New World Pictures: Children of the Corn, Warlock (2/3)
  • 2 Indian films: Game Over (1/2)
  • 2 Horror comedies: The Blackening, One Cut of the Dead
  • 2 films made primarily or entirely in Texas: VFW (1/2)
  • 1 film that exists in at least 2 available cuts: Hell House LLC (Director’s Cut)
  • 1 Robert Wiene film: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
  • 1 film from 2011: Fright Night
  • 1 film from 1984: Children of the Corn

Q3 2024

October 1, 2024 / / 0 Comments

The end of summer and the entrance to fall went mostly as anticipated. My best friends and I continued with our scheduled plans, including an antiquing day trip, a movie outing, a board game night, and a dinner party. There were also several concerts, a bad movie night, a coffee date, and book clubs with my Twitch friends scattered throughout. I even published a collaborative poetry project that had been in the works for nearly two years.

Then, in the beginning of September, my job announced a major change to the work-from-home policy effective immediately. After weighing my options, I ultimately put in my two-weeks notice. My coworkers met the news with such kindness and support that it blew me away. On the last day, on my last commute home, I was racked with full-body sobs. Though I pulled into the driveway mostly composed, when I opened the door and said, “I did it,” the tears started flowing all over again. It’s taken a lot to process those complicated, bittersweet feelings.

Now I’ve found myself in a time of sabbatical. So far that has largely meant dishes and laundry on repeat, marathoning TV shows, listening to lots of music, and quality time with my cats. But the amount of peace and healing I’ve experienced already is immeasurable. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to pour some energy back into myself, and the space to decide my next move.

  • Movies Watched: In a Violent Nature, Longlegs, Ponyo, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, The Blackening, Gonjiam Haunted Asylum, Pumpkinhead, We’re All Going to the World’s Fair, Piggy, House on Haunted Hill (1959), Hell House LLC, Killjoy, Thir13en Ghosts, The Final Destination, Children of the Corn, Killjoy 2 Deliverance from Evil, Warlock
  • Books Read: The Room (Jonas Karlsson), What Kind of Woman (Kate Baer), The Lathe of Heaven (Ursula K. Le Guin)
  • TV Watched: Ink Master Redemption, Brooklyn 99, Game Changer, Ink Master, Dirty Pop The Boy Band Scam, Taskmaster AU, Taskmaster UK, Beyond Belief Fact or Fiction, New Girl, Guy’s Grocery Games, The 8 Show, Beef, Chopped, Worst Cooks in America

Top 10 tracks:

  1. Routines in the Night (Twenty One Pilots)
  2. Vignette (Twenty One Pilots)
  3. One of Your Girls (Troye Sivan)
  4. us. (Gracie Abrams & Taylor Swift)
  5. Don’t Take the Money (Bleachers)
  6. Ignore Me (Betty Who)
  7. i hope ur miserable until ur dead (Nessa Barrett)
  8. Perfectionism (CJ The X)
  9. Triple (CJ The X)
  10. the girl, so confusing version with lorde (Charli XCX)

on digital existence

August 26, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I started my first Twitter account in 2009, which means I spent over a decade of my life tweeting.

Back then, things were much quieter. It was a place where my college friend group could share our thoughts and feelings, stitching into the already-rich texture of our lives. We were doing our own digital scrapbooking, and there’s still something so charming about looking back on my little jokes, daily observations, and constant gratitude for good food. There were no “recommended” tweets shoved into the feed, and posts were sorted chronologically. It was possible to “catch up.”

After I graduated, Twitter became a place to both keep in touch with the friends I’d just moved away from and reconnect with my friends back home. Eventually it turned into a platform to support my online friends, in their projects as well as their personal lives, and for one-off follows of celebrities or popular bloggers.

We all know what happened, though. In marched the intrusive advertisements and bot accounts and endless retweets and payment for verification, and on and on… Over the years, the landscape morphed until it was no longer recognizable. I spent less time sharing my own perspective and more time reposting the opinions and quips of others. It’s like I no longer trusted my own mind and relied on strangers to paint a picture of me.

Aside from my main account, I’d created pages to chronicle the ridiculous things my college roommate said, and later the pithy remarks of my coworker. I had an author profile that did reasonably well; one for my failed wedding and event planning business that I quietly took down; a professional “health and nutrition” account that sank before it could swim; and I spent a couple of days on a “cute video games” page before conceding that other people had already done it better than I could.

Side blogs and second accounts offered some enjoyment until they didn’t. All of my Xanga and LiveJournal pages have been swept away by the sands of time. My first Tumblr was unceremoniously deleted, and my second was killed by copyright claims thanks to a sapphic music side blog. My first Reddit account was shadowbanned, but the second I unplugged myself. Every Pinterest account I’ve ever had, I ended up getting rid of shortly after.

And don’t even get me started on Instagram. I’ve had two primary accounts, plus one to display the cuteness of my cats, one for my appreciation of zines, one for “health and nutrition” again (I never learn), one for bad art, one for creative collaboration with my best friend, and one for that goddamn wedding planning business that thankfully my friend reclaimed as her own.

This was originally about Twitter. The point is, I’ve enjoyed the ability to record my memories and express myself in a public space. While all of these platforms have their pros and cons, I really vibed with microblogging in particular. Thus, when a certain billionaire purchased Twitter and I vowed to leave that brainrot hellhole for good, I sought out alternatives. I’ve tried all the popular contenders: Mastodon, Bluesky, Cohost, Pillowfort, Micro.blog. Only a handful of my friends have even attempted to move to any of these, so in spite of their varied success and similar features, to me they just feel lifeless and empty.

Additionally, I’ve never been able to make new friends through social media platforms themselves, just connect with people I already know. The first genuine online friends I made were ones I met through writing for the same video game website. In the past year, I’ve also met a vibrant and friendly community through Twitch. But even in the face of these facts, when I see folks forge real connections in fandom spaces or through other shared interests, I still experience a tinge of jealousy. I like existing online, but often it feels like the internet isn’t welcoming to me.

All of these words and winding sentences scrawled, but to what end? That’s the wall I constantly run into. Some days I genuinely want to throw my phone into a lake and live in a cabin on a remote plot of land for the rest of my life. Some days I feel so deeply lonely and misunderstood, and question why self-imposed self-isolation would somehow be the correct answer. Some days I wish I didn’t care so much and could just follow my friends down to the bottom of the well.

I’d rather write books. I’d rather make art. But then, is withholding from a public forum protecting my peace, or is it depriving my friends of a way to connect with and care about me? Is it cool and down to earth to be unreachable, or is it a form of self-harm?

Everything is surveillance. Everything is sanitized and corporate.
My data is being monitored for the sake of commerce. My self is subject to psychological manipulation. There are no easy solutions.
Everything is on fire. Everything is fine.

full-time bummer

August 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I am not a cool girl. Go with the flow. Easy to please. Up for anything.

I’m a high maintenance bitch. I’m the antithesis of a professional woman.
Big business hates everything I stand for.

Woe to pointless meetings and casual chit-chat and “how was your weekend?”
Woe to capitalism.

I keep my door closed. I don’t answer the phone. If your event is optional, I’m not going. I recognize your preference for in-person meetings, but if there’s an option, I’ll join online. You see, the impact on my social battery is diminished through the screen. I don’t have to constantly construct myself in real-time, determining what body language, vocal inflections, and facial expressions are appropriate every second.

In transit between my office and the smoking area is when I allow myself to unmask. The consequences are resting bitch face and poor posture, but if I wasn’t this generous with myself, I likely wouldn’t be alive or sane. Sometimes self-preservation is everything.

I like to refer to myself as a fragile plant, and no, I’m not joking. I’ve carefully calibrated my cigarette breaks, caffeine intake, bathroom visits, snack and meal times, daily naps, and drinks of cold, cold water. If any element is out of sync, I’ll actually lose my mind.

But I understand everywhere I will not go. I’m not built for climbing corporate ladders, pitching myself as a product, staying up too-late at too-loud bars, navigating the nightmare of alcohol and overlapping conversations and trying to say just enough but not too-much.

And that’s all just within the context of my career path. It fails to fully encapsulate the eating difficulties, the executive dysfunction, the eternal fatigue. The innumerable selves clamoring for breathing room.

The constant contradictory nature of performance, of art,
of existence, of me.

Q2 2024

July 1, 2024 / / 0 Comments

This quarter of my life will always be bookended by two important events: my birthday near the beginning, and our anniversary near the end. Both were celebrated peacefully, with good food and quality time.

In between was the more exciting, flashy stuff. A road trip to watch the eclipse, a weekend away camping, a Pride exhibit at the History Museum, a couple of Bad Movie nights. I did some cat sitting for one friend, and helped another friend move. And I nurtured what looks to be a successful book club, which is already on our third read.

Everything wasn’t all sunshine and roses, of course. My parents both tested positive for COVID so I’ve barely seen them. I’ve been dealing with depression and low mood, and some brand new sleeping issues.

But there’s a creative spark in me that I’m trying desperately not to let flicker out, and a lot more summery plans on the calendar. Let’s see how the latter half of the year shakes out.

  • Movies Watched: Scary Movie 5, Kuso, Corner Office, Missing, #No_Filter, The Poughkeepsie Tapes, Late Night with the Devil, Poor Things, The Menu, Men, The Perfection, Foodfight!, Talk to Me, The Feast, Time Bandits, Zombieland, Renfield, Deadstream, Happy Death Day, Cabin Fever, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Glass Onion, Ben & Arthur, The Contestant, I Saw the TV Glow, Chris Fleming: Hell
  • Books Read: Ice Planet Barbarians (Ruby Dixon), Barbarian Alien (Ruby Dixon), Past Crimes (Jason Pinter)
  • TV Watched: Smiling Friends, Taskmaster AU, Childrens Hospital, Taskmaster, The Osbournes, Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Baby Reindeer, Guy’s Grocery Games, Van-pires, Game Changer, Tales from the Crypt, Reba, New Girl, Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills, The Good Place, Community, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Ink Master: Redemption

Top 10 tracks:

  1. Fortnight (Taylor Swift & Post Malone)
  2. I Hate It Here (Taylor Swift)
  3. Guilty as Sin? (Taylor Swift)
  4. Too Sweet (Hozier)
  5. Down Bad (Taylor Swift)
  6. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived (Taylor Swift)
  7. loml (Taylor Swift)
  8. Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus (Taylor Swift)
  9. But Daddy I Love Him (Taylor Swift)
  10. Good Luck, Babe! (Chappell Roan)
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