Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
a lot of advice these days hinges on the adage “just be yourself”
when you’re going on first dates, when you’re trying to make new friends, when you’re pursuing a creative outlet that infuses your personality
but as an autistic woman, this advice has never made any sense to me
which self? which part?
should i turn prismatic, then? which color should i display?
because i guarantee, no one will want the full picture
cropping out my humanity
there will always be a detail they don’t want to swallow
a glob of paint, a stray brushstroke, an anatomical error
i have to reduce myself to what’s appropriate – a brand, a niche – instead of a breathing being
so sure, let me take a kitchen knife and start slicing off slivers
peeling and dicing and chunking and coring
no one wants to reach the pit
no one wants to see the seeds
no one wants to eat me whole
monetize me
capitalize me
tell me you hate me
integrating my real name
and online persona could be
like instigating a civil war
they want a passive lover
a soft, pretty thing
isn’t it so romantic
despising parts of yourself
so someone else can stomach the rest
i can’t make myself palatable
small and meek
so i’ll be nothing
